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Monday, March 7, 2011

"Try-Athletes": Eager Beavers

We're all good at something.

Since I was very young, I have always been a writer and an actress in some form. I was always writing stories and poetry and essays, and making up things for other people to do as well as performing in some way myself. I went to university on a dare and ended up involved in theatre and literature. To make a career out of it, I became a teacher.

I am also very good at being lazy. And I mean I am GOOD at that. I do things when they desperately NEED to be done. That's what I am REALLY good at. I pretty much have a degree in procrastination. I pretty well teach it. I laugh in the face of deadlines. I dare deadlines to get me.

Get the picture?

I work better under pressure is what I am trying to say.

Anyway, Jenny and I went to Spin class tonite. We missed two workouts last week because of the deadly ole convention that we had the wonderful ole time at (see the story aboutPooPaws Harlequin the DirtDog) and we knew it was going to be rough going. Lisa is sick, sick, sick. She needs to rest.

So, we didn't need to pick up Lisa today and I left rehearsal at 5:55. I checked my phone for messages because, apparently, I think I am that important. I had three messages from Jenny - two letting me know she was going home for a nap and one in a mad panic, asking where I was. That was sent 15 minutes previous, which was weird because Jenny doesn't even hardly wake up until about 5:55 and we leave at 6:00. I got to her house at 6, and we got downtown by 6:10 - no traffic. Weird. So we were almost an hour early - Eager Beavers R Us.

So we went to Wendy's and Tim Hortons. I got a Hot Chocolate and a donut, and Jenny got chicken nuggets. Then we went to MacIsland and had a snack. What's up about it?!?

We were going to go swimming on Sunday but we didn't.

So we figured we have had such a rough time over the past couple of weeks, what with being sick and then the convention, that it was going to be tough getting back into the Spin of things.

We were right.

After last Spin class, I swore I would not get on the bikes early - it lasts too long that way. So I didn't. I only started warming up about 3 minutes before the class started, not ten minutes before like I used to do. And it's a good thing because tonite's class lasted almost a full hour. As it was, I biked for 65 minutes. I nearly passed out from exhaustion.

And I'm doing more now than ever before - standing up, sitting down, standing up, sitting down - you would swear I was actually nearly a Triathlete, not just a Try-Athlete. Dear Jesus in Heaven, people, I was getting really tired.

And again, when I look around and see that I am really there, sitting on a Good Bike, pedaling my arse away (literally), I congratulate myself repeatedly, even if I am tired and have to put my gear down lower than is suggested. I look around at everyone and think, "You all started somewhere, even if you were 5 when you started." Then I look over at Jenny, who is sweating her arse off just as much as I am, and congratulate her, too. She is usually better with the compliments - I often forget to talk, or forget what I am talking about. I often forget everything - she calls me Jones, as in Forgetful Jones from Sesame Street. So for what it is worth, Jenny you are doing awesome!! And we are awesome! Go Team Us!!

So we started biking on the Good Bikes. We get there early because we need the Good ones. It's rough going and we need all the Good Treatment we can get.

Holly was in fine form tonite - she was going hard core on the workout business. We started out well and then all of a sudden, she was ALL Business and by All Business, I mean no effing around at all. We were like a Spin Class Mullet. Jenny and I sit behind Brent and Nancy, and there are only two rows of bikes, so they were going flat out. Jenny and I were acid-tripping in the back, though, so it was business in the front, party in the back.

At one point, I told Jenny that if we feel spaced out of reality just working out so hard, then I wonder what people would feel like if they were really on acid and doing Spin class... she said they would probably see all kinds of crazy flowers and stuff. So I thought about that for awhile and I remembered the flowers from our Peter Pan show last year - the big cartoony ones - and I burst into loud laughter. Well, it really was Spin Class Mullet then because it was a very loud unexpected laughter and everyone was working so hard, all business, except us two partiers in the back. Then Jenny started laughing. What a write-off.

When we were walking around the track later, Jenny said the real Triathletes must either love us or hate us... we are the entertainment. Go Team Us!

In the beginning (God said, "Let there be light" and so it was... no just kidding), I didn't do so well on the standing and sitting situation on the bikes... I used to try to stand up but it was rough business. That is difficult. It's really hard on the quads and it takes a lot of getting-used-to in order to do it well. But now, I can do it. Yeah, that's right. I have to throw the gear up on 16 or 17 and work hard, but I stay on my feet. Jenny can stay up for long periods of time. For the repeated ups and downs, Jenny does really well but I have to work harder at it. I have to watch Brent's arse to get the rhythm (that literally took about 7 tries to get that word spelled correctly and I had to look it up online to get it right - sheesh!) right and I noticed the guy next to him doing the same thing. Also, the same guy was watching every move Brent made and was trying to keep up with him. Competition!!

At times, I would look over at Jenny and tell her I thought I was going to die. A couple of times, the water I was drinking was bubbling back up my throat. How gross is that? Jenny says she often vomits up her throat when she works out too hard. Well I joined the Vomit Olympics tonite. That was brutal. It's bad because you can't let it out - you have to force it back down. Ah - yummy!

Yeah, nothing is sacred. If you come to workouts with me, everything gets into the blog... there are only so many times you can say, "Don't put that in the blog!" before your free passes get used up. And Jenny has fewer free passes than anyone because she started this mess. "We're fat and we're gonna get diabetes and die because we eat too many cheeseburgers and chicken wings." Yeah, I haven't forgotten that!

I was getting so frustrated that the biking was not ending after 40 minutes that I was starting to pedal harder and faster every now and again. Jenny asked what the 'Trip' thing on the bike screen meant - I told her I thought it meant the km we traveled so she double checked with the guy next to her and he confirmed it. I was at about 18km by this point so I made it a point to go for 20km. I ended up at about 21km before we finally stopped. But my arse hurts now. I wanted to stop many, many times but the end was so near - I know we wouldn't go later than 8:30, even at the worst of times, so I couldn't let myself stop.

The last song we biked to was "Ghost Busters" which Brent aptly renamed "Vag Busters". Good call on that one!

Eventually we did stop - and we were supposed to go for a run. Jenny got off her bike and said to me, "I think we should go for a running lap."

To which I promptly said, "F&*$ you."

And she choked on her water.

"Well, I guess, if I just biked 21km, I wouldn't want to go for a run either!" she said, laughing.

"Yeah, well, I didn't mean to bike that far." I replied. The arse was busting off me. The vag buster has now turned into the Arse Buster.

I am no longer concerned about Vag Busters or Callouses - when you bike that long, there are things being used in the back of your arse that are probably not even muscles... they are probably mini bones or strings of things that hold your bones together - things not meant to be stretched or something... well, those little strings got used up tonite. Those poor little buddies.

So we started walking. I got more water.

Every now and then, people passed us. Every now and then, people were slower than us and we had to pass them. Usually, those people were seniors, or with babies, etc. What we'd do was have a little jog around those people. It made us feel good.

What we did not know was that Eagle Eyes Holly was watching us.

On one of our walking laps, she said, "You two need to go for a running lap." Deadline: Holly is telling us we have to run right now. Stressful situation. Do or die moment. Panic attack. Where is the Ativan?

"We're not ready," we said.

"Yes, you are. I saw you running." Then she came out on the track and slapped Jenny's arse to get us going, as if we were horses and harnessed together.

"Ugh!" We grimaced and started to have a little jog. We got a little way ahead and decided to just keep going. We made it through one lap and celebrated a bit when we got back to Holly. She is always very positive and congratulated us. We congratulated ourselves profusely.

Then we walked, and I had a terrible pain in my side because I forgot to breathe when I was running. Then it was time to do another lap of running. God in Heaven.

So Jenny had a plan. I thought we were only going to run until we were out of Holly's sight, but no, Jenny had a plan to jog. Jenny told me a story about how there is this Fat Jiggler System and you don't have to do anything, just stand inside of an elastic band and it jiggles all of your fat for you. Well, this sounds dangerous to me because it could snap and hurt you. But anyway, she said it works. Well, it took about a quarter of the track for her to tell me this story and we were running in slow motion during this time, only Jenny called it jogging.

Well, dear God in Heaven.



That takes forever.

So I told Jenny to get in high gear so we could get that sh!t done faster. This is where my laziness kicked in.

My plan was to boot'er around the track as fast as we could to get it done as quickly as possible, then we could rest again - perfect plan. All Jenny could do was laugh at me. But I tried to get her to hurry up.

Ashlea came along and congratulated us, too. Everyone there is so positive and nice to us, even though we are always laughing and probably breaking their concentration all the time. It's not that we don't take it seriously, because we do, it's just that we see the funny side of things, I guess.

When I am sitting on that bike, I'm not thinking about rpms or speed or triathlons or how fast my metal tires are spinning, what I am thinking about is how fast the room is spinning, or why isn't there very many fans in the room, or how cute the guy is who just ran by, or why is there so many kids at MacIsland this late, or how will I block the next scene of the show, or should I slow down a little bit so the dizziness stops so I don't fall off my bike, or if I fall off my bike, will the straps around my feet on the pedals hold me up, or if I vomit, do I just keep going and pretend like nothing happened, or that the guy next to me is working really hard beause he is really sweaty, or that lady over there is on the same acid trip we are on because her eyes are rolling back in her head, or I wonder what I can eat later, or I wonder if Harley had diarrhea tonite, or is the bike business ever going to end, or that this class is like a mullet, or I really wish I had some gum, or is it bad form to sing to the music, or I bet those walkers wish they were in this class, or guys there are easier things to do than sit on these bikes - go home and eat cheesies!, or whatever whatever whatever. But I guarantee you, there are not very many times that my head is actually in the game. Why should it be? I need to pedal and keep my heart rate up. I need to do what Holly tells me to do. I'm not on a dangerous road. I'm safe. I can space out safely.

Anyway, I don't see the sense in this "Jogging" business. That is very slow - like you are running underwater, just like that Demon Lady during that one Swim class - the one who didn't get her hair wet when she walked on water.

If you are going to be throwing your legs around on land, then you better be going somewhere fast.

So, Jenny called me the exorcist again because I was running ahead of her while she was jogging, and my head was turned around while I was strongly encouraging her to run faster. She said there was no in-between speed for me - there was just walking and then there was running - no jogging... zero to sixty in three seconds.

The exorcist called... she wants you to go for a run... Jenny kept laughing because she said I was keeping up with the real runners.

I just figure that since Holly pushed us to go for a run, then we may as well get it done as quickly as possible. Then we could walk as slowly as possible.

So, just as I have done my whole life, we procrastinated in getting to the running laps until Holly pushed us. But there was no procrastinating in getting the laps done... why would you want to prolong that agony? Get 'er done! So, all in all, we ran a couple of laps.

Jenny's 16km / Terri's 21km + a couple of running laps each = Holy Moly what a workout!

Jenny said she is good at the swimming, I am good at the running and Lisa is good at the biking. All in all, we have this triathlon business covered. We don't need to rehearse / practice / train... my reasoning is that if I only have to do it once, I will go flat out until I get it done. If we could just do the part we were good at, we would have it knocked.

I am not really good at the running - I just think of things this way: I only have to do it once. Therefore, I will put everything I have into it. I don't even think past this one time. That's what gets you down.

If I think: I have 65 minutes of busting my arse on this Vag/Arse Buster and then I have running and walking and then doing this crazy plank and then I actually have to walk back down 2 flights of stairs and out through a parking lot to my car, I may as well go home right now.

But if I think, I just have to sit on this bike... I just have to move my legs.... I just have to listen to Holly... I just have to listen to this song... I just have to get my rpms up to 100.... etc., then that's cool - it's all about living in the moment.

Life is always a surprise like that.

I don't get a whole lot done and there are a lot of surprises, and I forget a lot of things, but whatever. I roll with it. That's a whole lot better than getting twisted up in a knot because I have to run a lap.

Jenny says, "That's why we're here, right - to work off all this fat!"

Holly says, "We work hard here... that's what we do!"

Terri says, "Holy Christ in Heaven, I'm beat to a snot and my frigging arse hurts."


  1. im the same way with the jogging Terri! theres no in between! And jogging is way harder to do! and it tires me out quicker. my legs are made for moving not taking tiny steps trying not to fail my limbs while doing it!


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