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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Broken Hipped Cats on Ice

I like Spring. I LOVE the time between Spring and Summer, and the time between Summer and Fall... when it isn't too hot or too cold. You see, I am not a fan of extreme temperatures. I like temperate temperatures. I also like the ground I am walking on to stay in place while I am walking on it (i.e., not to crunch, slip, or 'founder' as we Newfoundlanders would say).
I would buy rainboots for this time of year, except it is still slippery outside, and that could be dangerous since rainboots are made of rubber. So unless my rainboots have cleats, that is not such a good idea.
So many things in this world p!ss me off.
Slippery road conditions, and slippery walking conditions are just two of them. When you have to walk like a cat with a broken hip just to do the most mundane things, like get to your vehicle, or walk to your door, or walk across the street, the very act of doing so enrages me to the point that I am pretty sure the top of my head could explode if I think too much about it.
So, Spring is here and things are melting, and I am glad of that.
I am very glad that I don't have to walk anywhere. It is much too wet out to have to walk anywhere - Dear God, there are huge puddles everywhere because the sewer system cannot handle the amount of water melting all at once.
Meanwhile, when the night comes, the temperature drops and things freeze up a little bit again. This is where things get nasty.
All the liquid that started running around during the day has started to make little rivers around the place, happily cutting through snow and ice, carving its way through everything in its path. Everything above, under, in front of, behind, on top, etc., is pushed out of the way by these little raging rivers of melted snow...
And then the night comes...
But because everything isn't melted, the upper layer of snow gets icy...
AND THE BOTTOM LAYER... oh, wait, there is no bottom layer, because the damn river washed it away.
So, here I am, walk walk walk like a broken hipped cat, trying not to slip on the frigging icy snowbanks, which have been made even worse near houses that have had water dripping off them all day, and every now and then... you just CRASH through the icy top layer of snow because there is nothing underneath.

It's like a field of landmines to get anywhere. Icy, icy, icy... walk here, oh wait - icy, careful careful AHHHH Crash!
Now it may just be a little Crash, but you go through the icy snow and hit whatever is underneath with a little jolt nonetheless. It may be only an inch or two, but an inch or two is enough when it is unexpected.
And then my temper rises.
And after a couple of these little jolts, I just want to hurl my purse, or bookbag, or dog at whatever is near me. I don't even care. I want to kick my vehicle and pull my hair out.
Sweet Sacred Heart of Jesus, melt already! Where in the blazes is the sun? Where is the 40 degree weather now? In July, we will all be dying for heavy rain or even just a couple of cool showers, but when we need a couple of days of that in March, where is it?
Nope, we get little rivers and icy goodness.
First, Mr Weather... *insert expletive here* off. You know what I am saying. Get your job done, and do it now. Straighten the hell out. No more icy layers on top of open air-like overhangs on cliffs. That is dangerous.
Second, it's time for Spring to man up and take over from Winter. Enough with this pussyfooting around.
Third, where the hell do you buy decent rainboots in this town? And a raincoat?
Fourth, where the hell do you buy cleats? What the hell do they look like? And do you attach them to
your shoes or are they shoes unto themselves?
Fifth, if we own all kinds of energy, can we do something about this freezing cold Arctic problem? Can someone turn on the heat up here so we don't have ice outdoors all the time? Let's lay some pipe underground throughout the entire city and somehow use it like in-floor heating. I don't care how it is done, obviously I just thought of it, so it is possible. Somebody better get on it ASAP. Call the scientists and engineers right now.
I am eco-friendly but this is important.
I know I am eco-friendly because I took an environmentally friendly test and I hit over 95% eco-friendly, so I have some wiggle-room here. I can tear up a bit of the environment for this very important heating system in an effort to stop ice and snow. This will cut down on anger problems, aggravation and medical bills from injuries sustained from both anger and slippery conditions. It's win-win.
I am proposing the City-Pipe Heating System.
CPHS will be no cost to anyone. In addition, we will also start making gas here, since we have the crude, and gas prices will go down for us, too. May as well have some benefits from living here, right?
The Weather will be no issue for us - we have the brains and willpower to fix this problem. No more Broken Hipped Cats on Ice. If we want ice from now on, we will have to make it, or head on down to MacIsland to the rink to use their ice.

Have fun.

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