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Monday, January 31, 2011

"Try-Athletes": Today, the Sh!tshow

I set my alarm for 6:20AM this morning. I woke at 5:30AM and thought "no frickin' way am I going to be able to get up when that alarm goes off"... so I reset it for 6:45AM... The next time I opened my eyes, it was 7:00AM and I was really struggling to get out of bed... at 7:06, I sat up and thought, "Holy Lord, I have to go to work today!"

I reached down to pet Harley and I said, "It's time to go to work about it!" in the cartoony voice I use when I talk to him... and immediately he did that cute little stretch and flipped over. I scratched behind his ear and my finger felt something that wasn't fur... he had food stuck in his fur... Harley always has something stuck in his fur - food, chew toys, poop... inevitably, these things are stuck when I am late for work. 7:07AM.

I try to take the food off his fur. He struggles. I pick him up, and try again. He struggles more. What a wake-up call. I turn on the light... the food in question is a half-eaten Halls lozenge - where in the world does he get this stuff? - and it is stuck in his fur really good... wrapped in around the fur. So I try again and Mr Harley promptly bites me hard. So I yell at him. Like he cares. So I carry him out to the kitchen to get scissors. Then we go back to the bedroom and sit on the bed. Harley hates the scissors. You would swear he knows what he looks like.

A couple of seconds later and the half-eaten lozenge is in the garbage, Harley is not biting anymore but he is pissed off. So am I. It is 7:10AM and I have already been bitten.

I get ready for work. Harley digs under the blankets and goes back to sleep, until it's time for me to leave. Then he gets his Chicken Breakfast, Chew and Liver Treat. Sometimes he gets a cheezy, blueberry or a carrot - whatever is hanging around. It's a surprise every day.

I get to work, and the PLUG-IN DOESN'T WORK. Nice. Frozen a$$ truck later today, for sure.


First day of semester 2. The kids were great. I even had some of my previous kids come visit <3... I miss them already.

Jenny and I have a tight schedule to keep if we want to stay on top of work, rehearsal and 'Try-Athloning'.
8:00 - 3:00: work
3:00 - 4:30: extra help / meetings, visiting my dog, etc
4:30 - 6:00: rehearsal
6:00 - 7:00: supper & travel time
7:00 - 8:30: Try-Athlon (on Mon & Wed... Tue & Thur we start at 7:30)

I need to get a babysitter for my dog. He is going to get lonely. Lisa says I need to deputize a kid. That's a good idea.

So we had rehearsal today, and ended it at 5:30. By the time we got out of the school, it was 5:50. We grabbed MacDonald's (of all things to eat), left the Blueberry at Merc, got Jenny's clothes, then mine, and booted it to MacIsland. But not without incident, of course.

We went to Jenny's house. When we were driving away from her house, the radar van flashed. I was driving toward it, and wasn't speeding, so I don't know why it flashed, but maybe it was being the paparazzi. We are kind of a big deal, you know. Anyway, I wondered if I was the Illegal Beagle or if I was having a seizure. You never know.

We finally made it to my house. Since it's Arctic Frostbite Face outside, everything is frozen, including my fence to the ground at times. So I was stuck outside my fence while in a rush to go to the gym. I just wanted to lay my face on the frozen fence at this point.

Finally getting inside the fence, I ran to the door and then forgot to turn on the inside light, so I slipped the first couple of steps going down into the basement. Wheeeeee! Good times, there.

Grabbing the railing, I made the world right again and turned on the light and walked like a sane person down the stairs. Keep in mind that I am trying to hurry so that we get a bike at the Try-Athlon workouts. If you don't get there early, you have to work out on the Bad Bikes. Christ in Heaven, if the vag-busters are the Good Bikes, we don't want to have to endure the Bad Bikes. So I'm rushing, and endangering my life in doing so. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Safely at the bottom of the stairs, I jam my key into the lock. Click-click, click-click. 'Oh my God, what is it now?' Someone changed the lock on my door. I'm pretty sure I paid my rent. No eviction notice. What in the world is wrong here? I look at the key... wrong key. 'Breathe,' I tell myself, 'all your problems in life have to do with air, so just breathe.' Literally stepping back from the door and dramatically taking the key out of the door, choosing the right key and then putting it into the lock, I manage to open the door, then try to rush through, where I immediately get stuck because I have a purse, a bookbag and 8000 pounds of clothes on because I LIVE IN THE FRIGGING ARCTIC. By now, my blood pressure is through the roof. So I get in the door, drop everything on the floor, including all my clothes... everything. Stripping the shirt, pants, and all, I run to my bedroom so I can get my jogging pants and workout shirt on.

"What's going on in this house? Where's mommy's little man?" I say to Harley, my usual greeting to him when I arrive home. He barks and goes a little insane when he sees me.

I hop over the baby gate (which is across my bedroom door, thereby trapping Harley into my bedroom & bathroom area) and get dressed. Meanwhile, I feel something tap the back of my leg, by my knee. I always talk to Harley, when I get ready to go somewhere, and this is no different. When I turn around though, Harley is not a happy dog. He is walking on his hind legs, which is not unusual for him. Somewhere over the past few months, he has learned to do this... he walks for extended periods on his hind legs. It's a bit disconcerting. His front paws are straight down by his sides and he just balances there, then walks. Creepy. He probably practices that all day when I am at work. Just a little white dog walking around the house all day. Maybe he wears argyle sweaters and drinks tea, too.

Anyway, this evening, he was walking on his hind legs, following me as I got dressed. So I said to him, "Two high-fives!" and put my hands in the high-five position... he puts his paws on my hands when I do this (we're working on it)... well, he did it today, and then I went back to getting dressed. But he got MAD. I guess he knew I was leaving again because I didn't take down the baby gate - a sure sign that he isn't leaving the bedroom. He ran over to the gate, and barked in a shrill, screaming kind of voice, and kept doing it. I wanted to shove him under the blankets. I didn't, but I wanted to.

It was like he was trying to tell someone to come save him. I was a bit scared.

Finally, I was dressed and ready to leave. I grabbed my bag and locked the door. I tried to find my jacket but everything was in a tangle on the floor so I just threw everything across the room... there was valuable minutes being wasted!

Then I took off up the stairs, turned off the light, ran out the door, and sprinted across the icy back deck... and immediately screeched to a halt because I remembered that my sneakers were still downstairs.

I stomped back downstairs. Harley was still screaming. I grabbed my shoes and stomped up stairs. By the time I got back to the truck, I was vicious.

Jenny had already contacted Mat & Lisa so they were driving down on their own. We could go straight to MacIsland.

I told Jenny the tale and she laughed so hard her back hurt. I was so out of breath I could barely speak.

What is up with my lack of breathing? I must think I am an inanimate object.

Down at the vag-busters, we made it in time to be the first people there. How crazy is that? We were worried sick that we would be late. We got Good Bikes, though. Just last week we had no idea that there was a difference in bikes, and now we call the busters the good ones. Sacred Heart.

We were on the bikes for 40 minutes. Then we did 24 minutes on the track, broken up by core workouts.

Mat is a running machine. He constantly ran the whole time. Lisa did some laps today, too!! I ran, but only to pass slow walking people, ie., people who were slower than me.

Jenny said we look skinnier. We can definitely feel it in our muscles, that's for sure. We were supposed to take pictures and do measurements but we both forgot. We'll have to eyeball it.

We did The Plank again today. I wonder who thought that exercise up. "I think I'll just see how long I can hold myself up on my elbows here today... oh, oh... look at me... abs of steel, I can hold myself up for 5 minutes! You weakling, you can only hold yourself up for 3 seconds!"

"Yeah but I have bony elbows!"

"No excuse!"

We have decided that we are planning a big-a$$ party for the end of Feb. to celebrate our first month of success. This may be a 'cake and chips and ice cream and donuts and chicken wings' party but we don't care. Neither of us really drink, anyway. Whatever. Water & cake it is! We can't wait to celebrate!

We are in week #2! Try-athletes for life!

I think you should be able to make a deal with a Fat Fairy. For example, you should be able to go to the Fat Fairy and get all your fat taken off painlessly (as in, it just diappears with no work from you) with the deal that you have to work out but if you stop working out, all your fat goes back on, no questions asked. That sounds like a good deal to me. It's good incentive. It would make working out easier because you wouldn't have to work off all this extra business. All this extra business is what makes working out hard!

Well, the lack of breathing and the using of muscles that haven't been used in forever also have a little to do with it, but I'm working on every angle here.

While I was not as tired today on the vag-busters as I was last Wed, my legs certainly felt it today. Jenny said she felt like she was on the acid trip today. Sometimes I just want to lay down and have a little nap on the bike... let my legs keep going while the rest of me sleeps.

Meanwhile, Harley has taken up humping his Cookie Monster again for domination purposes. I haven't seen him do that in ages. I've traumatized him.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

"Try-Athletes": the Bonus swim day

We didn't go today. 7am and -44 comes early. The occupants of Bird & Robin Crescents were combating a fever and sore throats.

We discussed whether we are letting ourselves down, or quitting, or whatever.

We have come up with the following explanation: we are further ahead now than we were a week ago. We have gone to 4 workouts and have encouraged others to work out with us. We have made you laugh at our antics.

We are continuing to encourage ourselves and make ourselves laugh at our own antics but there are some things that we simply will not write on the blog... some of this stuff is too raw and inappropriate. If you want the uncut stuff, you have to either talk to us in person or join the Try-Club (that's the spin-off of the Tri-Club)... where our motto is, "What happens in the truck, stays in the truck!"

Frankalisa the war vet is earning a new nickname. I'm learning how to breathe underwater. Beauty Jenny is getting rid of a sore throat.

Back to the vag-busters tomorrow.

Whatever 'bout it.

Clawing My Way to the Top

The "Try-Athletes" front hasn't been a side-splitting situation in a few days so I thought I would take you on a trip down Memory Lane.

Years ago, I wanted to have the best Hallowe'en costume ever. Now, I lived in the woods, and by 'woods', I mean capital W... Woods. Any of you from Point au Mal or Fox Island River who are reading this know I am telling the truth. We had to drive 15-20 minutes just to buy groceries. You weren't supposed to hunt in the area where you lived (or so I was told :P ) so technically, we had to come out of the woods to hunt.

Just sayin'.

Anyway, back to the story.

Now, my friend Bernard is an artist. Currently he owns a tattoo shop and he is fabulous. But back in the day, he was the person who was able to make my Best Hallowe'en Costume of Life possible.

I was going to become Freddy Krueger. That's right, Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street. Now, Freddy scared the bejeezus out of me. And there is nothing creepier than scary-children stuff (think Children of the Corn). So a scary child song, i.e., "1, 2. Freddy's Coming for You! 3, 4. Better Lock Your Door! 5, 6. Grab Your Crucifix! 7, 8. Better Stay Up Late! 9, 10. Never Sleep Again!" is enough to send me into a Never Sleep For The Rest Of My Life tailspin. Plus, scary religion stuff adding into the mixture just. makes. things. wrong.

So, Bernard comes to my house and we start to put on the makeup. Except, it's not makeup. It's paint because that's all we had. Because we are young and stupid - we use paint. I have sensitive skin. Do you know what paint on sensitive skin does? No? You will in a little while.

First, you need to know that when we were younger, we did all kinds of things - anything for a laugh, no matter what it was. If it was funny, we did it. If it was stupid, we did it. I remember once, we put on my cousin's stethoscope, put it on the bottom of the bathtub and farted underwater just to see how loud it would be - that's what I mean by funny and stupid.

Anyway, Mr Freddy is a burn victim. As in, his face is burned off. So, all kinds of paint is layered on my face. On one side of my face. And Bernard is a great artist - I looked fantastic.

And then I wait for my cousins to come pick me up to go trick or treating. Yeah, I was THAT young. And I lived in the woods, remember... it gets pretty dark in the woods. I sit and watch Video Hits on CBC as I wait. They play Michael Jackson's "Thriller"... SCARINESS. The King of Pop's video used to scare me so much, I would have heart palpitations. Combined with the beauty that was now my face, I was terrified to move off my couch.

There is no way to describe that type of fear unless you have truly felt it... Freddy Krueger is in the room with you and Michael Jackson is singing "Thriller" to you. It's a wonder I didn't die of a heart attack.

FINALLY my uncle pulls up to my driveway in his big green stalker van. Rather than pull into my driveway, he just stops on the road. Meanwhile, I take my pillowcase (or whatever I was carrying to take treats in - I forget now because I blocked out a lot of that night) and leave the house... I have a long driveway so I have to run... who knows what might be behind me, chasing me? I have never run so fast in my life, up to that point.

I wish I could run like that today - it would make being a Try-Athlete much easier.

Anyway, I breathlessly make it to the van, eager to see my cousins, all of whom are younger than me by anywhere from 2-5 years. They told me they are dressed as pirates and superheroes and catwoman or something (I think). Again, I hardly remember what they were dressed as that night.

I whip open the sliding van door and yell, "Hey!" as I go to jump in, absolutely TERRIFIED that something might have chased me across my yard and down the driveway, desperate to get into the safety of the big green van.

What happened next almost made me pee in my pants from pure, sheer terror, terror unlike anything I had experienced in my life up until that point.

What I understand now, but did not see then, was that my cousins had been sitting in the van talking, waiting for their cousin Terri-Lynn to come out to go trick or treating, when the van door wrenched open and Freddy Krueger screamed, "Hey!" at them. Freddy then jumped into the van, or tried to.

Back to me... when I tried to jump into the van, all my crazy cousins started screaming and yelling. Which caused me to think that someone HAD INDEED CHASED ME down my driveway and this caused me to then start screaming and yelling, too. Talk about chaos.

I just wanted to get into the van. They just wanted me out of the van. My uncle just wanted the screaming to stop.

Trauma for everyone.

The door was finally shut. The van finally pulled away and we went down the road trick or treating, and I was finally regarded as me and not Freddy. At least, while we were in the van.

Outside of the van was a different matter.

It was dark outside, remember?

We would get dropped off by someone's house to go for treats. Houses are in clusters. My uncle would then drive to the next cluster of houses and we would run to the houses within a cluster. So, we would get treats and run from house to house. Well, at one point, we were running and I noticed that my cousin was running and looking back at me in pure terror. He was running like his life depended on it. Well that scared the sh!t out of me. But it didn't compute in my head at the time that he may have been running from me. I thought he was running from what might have been behind me.

So I ran faster. Toward him.

He screamed. Which put the fear of God, and Satan, and all the Saints and everything else I can think of, into me.

In the community next to the one we grew up in, someone was digging or fixing a basement or something, and there was a huge open pit in the ground near their house. Anyway, it was sectioned off so that you wouldn't fall in, but at that point there was no seeing reason for me. While he was running around the pit, I ran over the pit in an effort to get to the safety of the house as quickly as possible. You see, I didn't know there was a pit / basement.

And unfortunately for me, I can't fly.

I fell in.

And what my cousin no doubt saw was Freddy chasing him and then disappearing.

Meanwhile, I got such a fright when I fell and things went completely black... that I just kept running. At the bottom of the pit. I just wasn't thinking anymore. All I remember was 'out.' At that point, if someone appeared in front of me, I would have climbed on their head to see daylight. It was a long run - the full length of a house. And remember, I thought there was something chasing me. I thought whatever it was got me - and it was pitch black - I couldn't see my cousin or anything anymore - as far as I was concerned, the gloves were off. If you could bottle adrenalin at that point, you would poison someone with the toxicity level.

Anyway, I reached the other side of the pit and there was no hesitation: I hit the side, face & eyes into the wall... and immediately raised my arms and climbed... straight out of that hell-pit in fear. A basement is pretty high, and I was just a kid. Running across this pit in pure blackness, and climbing out of it was the fastest I have ever run in my life. Ever. This was due to the most terror I have ever felt in my life.

So here I go... run run run.... scream scream scream... run faster.... hit the bottom.... holy sh!tballs.... RUN!.... smack.... wall of dirt... get the f out!... climb climb climb like Spiderman!.... scramble scramble scramble.... run run run!!!

When you are really afraid, there is no rational thought :) 1, 2, Freddy's after you!... well, what about when you are Freddy???

Back to my cousin... he had stopped and turned around, no doubt he was wondering what happened to Terri-Lynn / Freddy.... well, Terri-Lynn / Freddy came clawing her way out of the pit screaming and crying... can you imagine what that looked like? I remember my cousin's face - 1, 2, Freddy's after you! - he yelled and turned around and ran away to the door...

What a night.

When I got home that night, I remember being exhausted. So tired. When we tried to get the paint off, it was painful. My skin was burned from the paint and was red for days afterward - a great reminder of the Freddy debacle. We laughed so much when we tried getting the paint off. I walked around with little pieces of Freddy on me for quite a bit of time.

I still laugh thinking about this. Remembering wrenching open the door van and seeing my cousin's blank-staring faces is now so funny.

Why is 'safe' fear so funny? It sure wasn't funny then!!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

"Try-Athletes": our first anniversary

"Sometimes God calms the storm. At other times, he calms the sailor. And sometimes he makes us swim." ~Author Unknown

Sometimes working hard for something is fun. Sometimes it's a pain in the a$$. We are Trying to view this as necessary pain for hotness' sake.

Friday marked our One Week Try-Athlon Anniversary. We celebrated by spending 15 minutes together, with other friends, at the birthplace of Jenny's Master Plan. "We are fat and we are going to die of diabetes. It's time to get off the cheeseburgers and donuts."

The Details:
1. We were both exhausted and sick.
2. I could only be there for 15 minutes because I was going to get my hair done.
3. Jenny was having nachos with Mat.
4. Brent was not there during the time I was there.
5. Slane-dog was there.
6. It was freaking cold outside.
7. It was also the scene of our beautiful Destiny's going-away party.

We are going to miss our girl. She is going back to her family in Ontario but we hope she will come back to see us. Or maybe we will go visit her someday.

Slaney was at the Paddy's situation and we were discussing the Try business. He said he is proud of us, because the Tri Club is not an easy thing to do. We figure that compliment is pretty high - we have been receiving it a lot from many people... Thanks, everyone :)

Meanwhile, we also told everyone that eventually, we will be proud owners of the toughest vags on earth since the vag-busters will also give us callouses there.

Let's hear it for Vag Callouses!

Jenny & I intended to go to the Sat running session, because we had it in our heads that we are ready for high impact training. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA whatever 'bout it. Knee poppers all around.

We didn't go to the running session. I figured I would run one lap and end up looking Pinocchio with a drunken puppeteer pulling my strings. I'm sick and I can barely breathe... I'm pretty sure my lungs are half full of mucous and at least one quarter full of chlorine. Jenny also decided not to go because she could barely breathe - her throat is raw.

There is only one explanation: we are allergic to exercise.

What else could these illnesses be?

Anyway, Lisa is the one who talked us out of going. She said taking another day off would probably benefit us because we are not ready for high impact training and our bodies need to rest and recover. Lisa is SMART. Who are we to argue with the Voice Of Reason? Ummm, hello? Nobody!

Meanwhile, at the MacIsland Ranch today, Brent said that the run was a 1 mile, run-as-fast-as-you-can-trial run today. Whatever, Jenny and I would have killed it. Like, blasted the sh!t out of that run. They would have had to call the paramedics, but we had a whole hour to run a mile! Some people probably ran it in a couple of minutes but the track was booked for an hour. We had time. I would have had to pull over and take a nap, but we had AN HOUR. I would have paced myself. Run for a minute, nap for a bit. Or I wonder could we have done it like one of those races where you run and then tag a person to run the next bit for you? Next time (oh wait a minute, next time is Sat... well, when we go...) we will do great!

Anyway, Brent told us that Nancy did a great job... way to go, Nancy!!!!! YAY!!! We are VERY proud of you!!

Lisa has also decided to come to Adult Swim Lessons on Tuesday. This will be fun. She asked if the pool will be over 6' deep. Well, I'm not sure if the whole thing is, but part of it is, at least the part that I've been swimming in. We will have to check that out. There is a life guard, though, and an Adult Swim Instructor, and a Swim Coach Soldier. If you can swim, you are good.

Jenny and I are getting up before the crack of dawn tomorrow to go swimming again. I have practice to do. Pepsi, Cola, Seven Up. I have to be ready for Alanna on Tue. Hopefully I don't fall asleep in the pool. I see the swimming pool as a beautiful, comfortable blanket of warmth... all snuggles and lapping waves of stress relief except for the inevitable snot and possible hepatitis and herpes floating around.

It's all good. Welcome to the pool.

All this is happening at 8am. Brent says the lane is lengthened to 50m tomorrow, not the usual 25m. We are going to swim next to the wall... that's our big plan for tomorrow. Pepsi, Cola, Seven Up. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

We signed our paperwork and paid our fees to the head honcho, aka Brent, on Friday. Jenny signed the envelopes, 'Jenny & Terri's Fat Camp Money'. Next year's fees will be aptly titled 'Jenny & Terri's Hotness Camp Money'. Just sayin'.

Do you know that 3 chicken wings are 9 points on the Weight Watchers point system? Who in the world came up with that system? They are liars. Chickens are not that fat. They need to start the triathlon club.

We are looking for a theme song next. Let us know if you have any suggestions.

Have a good Sunday :)

* On Fri, at our fantastic PD session, which was made possible by Amy-Lyn, Jenny decided to add her art skills to our web chart. Her self-portrait was Beauty Jenny, mine was Hamburglar TeriLyn and Lisa's was FrankaLisa. Apparently Jenny's art teacher back in the day told her to look at people's faces and draw them as whatever shapes she saw. Well I apparently look like a hamburger - round. Lisa looks like a square. And Jenny looks like a movie star. Jenny also needs no decorations around her except stars. I needed my little dog, which Jenny did a geat job of drawing - he looked fantastic. And Lisa needed a computer, a book and a cup of tea. Anyway, Lisa's squareness made her look like Frankenstein. Hence, FrankaLisa. And while Jenny is telling me to get off the cheeseburgers, I look like a burger to her. I'm starting to feel like that old cartoon where the characters look like hotdogs & hamburgers to each other.

Friday, January 28, 2011

"Try-Athletes": day 4 - "The Plateau of Exhaustion"

'My name is Terri, and I have a kicking problem...'

'Welcome, Terri.'

'My problem is that there are a lot of things to do simultaneously when you are swimming, and I am trying to figure them all out and put them all together. And I'm not very swift at it.'


So, I think we have reached this little thing we are calling The Plateau of Exhaustion and we are basically running on hopes and dreams, now. But they are big hopes and dreams coupled with all the success of ACHIEVING OUR VERY FIRST WEEK OF WORKOUTS! We are actually going to do the 'bonus' weekend workouts, too, which is something we had not intended intitally, because we need the practice.

And then we are going to sleep for the rest of the weekend.

Meanwhile, I have slept through 3 alarms this week. I am now making multiple alarms because nothing is getting through my head. I am in a state of fog all the time. I'm sure this will work itself out, eventually. This guy at the Tri Club Social Event tonight said he still gets tired... we blocked out his words because that is something we don't need to hear. It is going to get easier, our arses/vaginas will look forward to going on the busters and eventually our legs will want to go running, we just know it, by the love of the living, dancing, flying potatoes, because we need to!

So off we go to swimming IN A RAGING BLIZZARD SNOWSTORM BECAUSE WE ARE THAT COMMITTED TO THE TRI CLUB. Yeah, the RCMP has warned people off the roads (apparently). Does that faze us? No. We discussed it, then said, "Hell no, we are going to Tri Club. We're in it to win it!" We're not really winning anything, but the lingo sounds good. Jenny calls her little blue car 'The Blueberry' (it's a little blue circle-shaped kind of car) and so in the little blueberry on studded tires, we zoom away into the blizzard, like a frozen dessert on wheels.

Alanna, our NEW instructor, texts and tells us she is waiting in the swim office. We are excited, as usual. You can't beat us on enthusiasm!!

We hop into the pool and Jenny shows her stuff - Alanna tells her she is great! Yay! Jenny is not as special as we originally were told - she is working on her breathing, though. I am not a strong swimmer; I am very special. Alanna needs to have patience with me. She says she is being patient. Sweet Lord. I say she has to be as patient as I was with them with Shakespeare; she says she hated Shakespeare. I say, at that moment, I hate him, too.

She tells me to pretend I have to blow my nose underwater. This is unhygenic, and makes me feel just wonderful considering all of the water that I am sure I am unintentionally drinking since I have been swimming. I want to beat my head against the side of the pool.

Anyway, we practice breathing techniques. It's hard to breathe underwater, isn't it?? I wasn't born a fish. But Alanna has unlocked the secrets of the underwater universe for Jenny and me: you breathe out through your nose underwater and in through your mouth above water... this may not sound difficult to you, Dear Reader, but why don't you go hop in a pool and try breathing out through your mouth underwater, then go above water and breathe in through mouth, repeatedly - that gets tiring and it doesn't work every well. If it works for you, fantastic, I really hope you don't drown. But it wasn't working for me or Jenny.

Once this routine was established, we began to practice. It's still difficult, and much more practice is needed, especially for me. I essentially need to move in with SpongeBob and become his best friend. If there was a way to swim to work, I would probably consider it. This lack of swimming proficiency needs to be fixed. I know, I know, you are probably sitting on your couch, eating Doritos, or better yet, plain wavy Lays, and thinking, 'C'mon Terri, it's frigging water in a frigging swimming pool. Get in and flail around a little bit. Stop being lazy.' Yeah, well. Stop being an arsehole. I'm in there, and I'm not just flailing - I'm swimming... well, I'm trying to swim - I'm going back and forth, doing laps, and usually I make it about 20 metres or so and then I get tired and have to take a break, but I'll get better. It's a 25m lane. On Sun, it'll be 50m. So yeah, stop being lazy.

Alanna made me laugh every time I would look at her when I was trying to swim. Eventually she would not look at me when I was breathing. It looks funny to write that. "Don't look at me, I'm breathing!"

My new mantra, from Alanna: "Pepsi, Cola, Seven Up"... where you do the front crawl for 3 strokes and breathe on the 'Up'... I was practicing this and we were showing Jenny when I realized I forgot to breathe :D so I popped up out of the water and said, "I was doing good until I panicked!" which sent us all into hysterics. On her way over to get Jenny, Alanna scared her half to death and almost made her drown. I almost drowned myself a few times. It's all good.

I realized that the reason I have trouble getting the breathing right is because I often hold my breath everywhere, all the time. That's weird, but I have to fix it. Check it out - do you do it, too? Various illnesses can be associated with it - I checked it out - MIGRAINES (my problem!) top the list, no sh!t....
( ) it also includes anxiety, so when you are just doing something quietly, take notice to your breathing - do you hold your breath? Might wanna work on that before someone throws your a$$ into a pool or something, or a friend calls you fat and decides you need to train for a triathlon that you will never do. Just sayin'.

AND Swim Coach Soldier came over to tell Alanna to tell me to kick my legs so my arse wasn't too far down in the water. Like, Mr Buddy, thank you for your concern, but my legs are givin'er all they can right now. I've been working out for 4 days straight, which feels like 85,000 hours, so I'm lucky I'm not just floating around in this here bowl of watery snot. I would like to just lean back and have a little nap with all this beautiful water lapping all around like a comforting blanket of love.

But noooo, the Swim Coach Soldier comes over to the special lane and orders us around over there, too. And we were doing good!!! I would like to have put enough of those little floaty boards together to make a colourful floating bed of foam, and then drape my towel over top of me and just sail on down the special lane with my swim cap and foggy goggles on, not a care in the world... but does he see me doing that? No, my a$$ is in the water, literally. And my legs are kicking.

I have a kicking problem... so I have to get my breathing under control while building endurance while building muscle while remembering to kick while I am breathing properly... apparently I stop kicking when I come up to breathe... good thing there are no sharks after me, I guess.

Alanna was awesome. We plan to see her again on Tue. I plan to swim in the bathtub everyday from now until then, and in the pool on Sun. I will have waterlogged face on Mon.

At the Social Event, Jenny orders a salad. I order nachos (hello: chicken, cheese, veggies) and wings (oven baked, thai chili sauce - nothing breaded). Jenny shared my nachos and wings. Love it. She offered to share her salad but I couldn't be bothered to move my arms that far.

Meanwhile, coming back to the ranch, The Blueberry almost gets stuck coming through the snow filled road to my house... snow filled because so many trucks pass through on the turns and nothing is ever plowed... it's like a roller coaster of fun! Scary and we nearly pee our pants laughing. hahaha

We figure our arses will be just calming down from some of the soreness when it will be time to get back on the busters on Mon.

Running (HAHA... walking, maybe a lap of running) on Sat.
D A Y O F F T O M O R R O W !! = Sleep time.

Pepsi, Cola, Seven Up!
Annnnnnnddddd... scene!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"Try-Athletes": day 3: "Tonight? Oh, we have Spin class"

Earlier today, someone asked, "What do you have today for your workout?", to which I replied "We have spin class." HA! "We have spin class."

Like we have been doing it forever and we are pros.

So today, all Jenny and I did was talk about how we were kicked out of Swim Club. I have come to terms that I am special but Jenny views it a different way - she knows she is a good swimmer and just needs to get her water legs back. I just don't really care what anyone says (unless Brent tells me I suck, then I will probably cry), and Swim Coach Soldier's opinion really (literally) rolled right off me, like water off a duck's back. haha. Jenny had to explain it to me, remember?

So anyway, remember how he told us to get adult swim lessons? Well, the gloves are off. We are throwing down.

Because.... tomorrow, we are bringing our own Instructor/Lifeguard to Swim Club. How about that, b*^ch? We aren't going to take Adult Swim Lessons, we are going to BRING Adult Swim Lessons. Yeah, that's how we roll. Whatever about it. We are effing serious. What's UP ?!? :)

TONIGHT: Back to Spin Class:
Lisa said she was coming with us to work out tonight. We were excited, despite being kind of pi$$y about the swimming stuff. We worked on getting Mat to come, too, although he was a hard sell.

(We left at 6 but didn't get to MacIsland until about 7).

Mat can't find his shoes. He also comes out dressed in 2 shirts and I'm pretty sure he had on padded, or lined, pants. He is going to die of heat exhaustion.

I found the workout SO HARD tonight. Not only did my arse hurt, but my upper body was kind of aching, too. Jenny was going hardcore. At one point, I had to convince myself not to just get off the bike and walk away. Jenny talked me through it a couple of times. It's definitely a benefit to go with others. I just wanted to curl up behind the speaker and go to sleep, preferably with a bag of ice directly between my legs, stretching from my crotch straight down over my a$$. You don't know the beauty of the vagina-buster until you have spent quality time with it twice in a short time period.

During the first night, I didn't watch the time - I think I was too busy living on a different plan of consciousness. Tonight, it felt like every second was happening twenty times. Eventually, I decided to work on my Breathing. Last night, the Swim Coach Soldier told me that I should work on Breathing, so today I figured to pass time, I would do some practice for swim Breathing... gotta work on Breathing anyway, so what better way to do it for both??? (See how many times I mentioned 'breathing'? This is how much of an issue it has become for us this week!).

During the walk/run portion, Jenny went for her first running lap!!! YAAAAY!!!!! JENNY !!! JENNY !!!! Meanwhile, later in the evening, we were so tired we also tripped each other just walking to the core workout area.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mat says this is his first workout. He bikes, and nearly dies from heat exhaustion. Then we go for a walk, and Mat busts out in a run. Like, WTF? Where did THAT come from? And he kept up the hardcore exercising all night!

Mat did a fantastic job!! At one point, he said he didn't feel like he was really in the room anymore. I said that was exactly how I felt the first night - like you are on acid or something. He said that was probably right, although he was never on acid before. Well, for the record, neither have I, it's just a frame of reference... we could have said that it's like drinking 85 cans of Red Bull or mainlining a pot of coffee... I sure haven't done those and I would bet neither has he... ANYWAY, this is turning into a very cerebral way of looking at an offhanded comment. In Shakespeare's Hamlet, Queen Gertrude says, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" (3.2.230) in response to Hamlet's questions in regards to The Mousetrap, which seems to be the situation here but I am just making the point that the acid comment was just a frame of reference. No one needs to get bent out of shape for a drug reference. Everyone, just relax. Maybe you need to have a drink (of tea) or something. ;)

Meanwhile, over at the other ranch, Lisa is a war vet. She has all kinds of injuries from previous athletic endeavours so she can't be busting out in the runs (sorry, that was too good to resist) right away. But, damn that girl walks fast. She was lapping me just WALKING. But I guess, her legs are about a foot longer than mine.

The Newfie Bike Instructor tells us we are doing stairs. Jenny gets really excited at this. "I love stairs!" she proclaims. So we go to the stairs and all 30 or so of us run down the couple of flights of stairs and run back up. I make it once and then my knees make me look like a drunk Pinocchio. Yep, time to go for a walk.

Jenny and Mat both did great on the stairs. The war vet and I went for a walk. Well, she did a few laps more than I did. The rest of the club did great on the stairs, I assume. No ambulances were called, as far as I know. Maybe the bodies were left on the stairs.

The stretching at the end was hilarious. Jenny had to teach Mat and me because we are kind of backwards. The guy next to me and I were a little too close and we accidently touched hands during one stretch and he said, "Hey now, we don't know each other that well!"... UM, AWKWARD. Now, it's a party.

We call Brent 'Neil Armstrong aka Lance Armstrong'. Jenny said this first and she meant Lance but said Neil. So when he runs by at Mach 10, we say, "There goes Neil Armstrong, again!"

I was going to try to take a bath but I don't know if I will be able to get out of the bathtub. I've been known to fall asleep in there on a regular day, so I don't know if I want to purposely get in there on a day when I'm tired and possibly unable to get out. I've actually had to roll out of bed the last two days.

It hurts my intestines to cough or sneeze. Well, not 'hurt' but I'm afraid that if I do it too vigorously, something might strain. The muscles won't let me sneeze or cough well enough to get relief.

Is this normal?

Overall, tonight was hard, up until about 7:55. We started at 7:00. Sacred Heart of Jesus. No naked people, though. Re-lief!

AND SO.......
Dear readers, we are almost (ALMOST) one week through! That's almost one quarter of the way through our first goal!!! Yay!!

THANK YOU for reading A N D all for your GREAT comments & support - EVERY day we read them and laugh in enjoyment at your replies...... you have no idea how much your support means to us. We encourage each other but knowing that other people care so much about us means the world. Please keep commenting - we love it!
(** also, for a literary reference regarding 2nd person POV, please see below)


If I could draw hands and gloves on a computer, I would do it. Then I would draw the hands next to the gloves, showing that the GLOVES. ARE. OFF.


** Yeah, I can't resist... because kids have asked before: Second-person point of view, in which the author uses you and your, is rare; authors seldom speak directly to the reader. When you encounter this point of view, pay attention. Why? The author has made a daring choice, probably with a specific purpose in mind. Most times, second-person point of view draws the reader into the story, almost making the reader a participant in the action.
Read more:
I used 'dummies' because Jenny called me a 'dummy' in the beginning :) & because they are written by experts!

"Try-Athletes" day 2: swimming, THE UPDATE

THE UPDATE: We are kicked out of swimming.

8:30PM: *high fives between Kirsten, Jenny & Terri as we finish our first hour of swimming*

JENNY: "Terri!! We're not allowed back until we go to adult swim lessons!"
TERRI: "What?"
JENNY: "That's what he said! 'Maybe you should try some adult swim lessons and THEN come back. This is too advanced for you.'"
*stunned looks pass between us*
TERRI: "I thought we were only swimming."
JENNY: "Me too!"

Earlier that evening...
6:25PM - I hop into my SUV and take off to Jenny's house. I'm supposed to be there at 6:35, but as soon as I get in I see that I need gas so I figure I have a couple of extra minutes to do that. By the time I get gas, I have wasted approximately 5 minutes and Jenny has texted and called me, asking if I am still going swimming. This, from the girl who always makes fun of me for coming early to pick her up. So I get to her house at 6:40.

Immediately, we take off to Kirsten's house. Jenny tells her to get ready so we can zoom on downtown ASAP. God knows we wouldn't want to be late on our very first swimming day!! We are excited and nervous. We spent a lot of time picking our bathing suits and giving each other pep talks. We're going to nail this.

We get to the pool and Jenny tells us that she is the boss so we have to follow her because she already got directions from Brent. Sacred Heart. So obviously, she gets in front and we roll our eyes behind her back. She then skids out on the slippery floor, and everything is back on an even keel. Meanwhile, we all look like meth addicts with those shiny eyes because we are scared to death and excited at the same time, plus giggling crazily.

So then we go to this random grey door and ask these random men (all the while following Jenny) if this is the door to the pool. Of course they say no (it's probably the electrical room)... and they point us down the hallway... we then try to figure out which door leads to the pool - I saved us because I figured the pool would not be in the same room as the ice rink - quick thinking on my part, I must say.

So we get into the change room. And we are face & eyes into naked people. Hello. We were not expecting that so quickly. But it's all good. It's a nice way to get to know people. How's it going 'bout it? Nancy came in not long after us and she showed us everywhere we needed to go and all the gear we needed to get.

So we got our gear on and the rest of it stowed and off we go. Kirsten and I put on our goggles on right from the get-go so we looked like amphibians coming straight out of the dressing room. We wrapped our towels around us and being convinced no one would recognize these amphibious beings, we left the change room.

When we got to our swim area, all the experienced people did various backflips and snazzy dives and other Olympic things to get into the pool (not really, but we're sure they could have) while the coach (Jenny and I later named him Swim Coach Soldier) brought us to a beautiful white board that told us what we were going to do that evening. We were all very excited. There were all kinds of numbers and letters and I had no idea what anything meant but I'm sure someone would tell me, so away we went. But first, the coach said, "Don't worry about impressing me. This is the time when you need to get things right" (or something to that effect). 'No problem,' we said, 'we are not impressive, we are just here to swim.'

And off we went. We sat on the edge of the pool, and then slid in (like alligators, not Marilyn Monroe). Kirsten used to be a synchronized swimmer. Jenny took lessons. I didn't take lessons; I just went swimming in the river and ocean. So we all figured we would be all right.

We swam with boards and flippers and fins. We swam by ourselves. We swallowed water. From the pool - not bottles. Gross.

Jenny and I turned out to be special needs, according to the Swim Coach Soldier. Good thing we brought our Classroom Support Teacher, Kirsten, with us. She helped us with our breathing techniques. I need to do some practice at home. Jenny and I were going to take breaks on the off days. Now we can't. We need to work harder. We need to build strength and endurance. We are NOT giving up.

Kirsten, on the other hand, was swimming upside down and sideways, and was probably asked to join the Olympics. She was not kicked out of the swim club.

But Jenny and I were essentially 'booted out'. Jenny was insulted. She had to reiterate the convo for me because it didn't sink in at first. We had to discuss it for a long time.

In the change room, Nancy and a couple of other ladies told us not to worry about it. They said that we should be working at our own pace. And really, we weren't booted out. We were told that we would benefit from becoming stronger swimmers on our own before working on this program (& before trying to become triathletes). Well, we are Try-athletes. It really is the special version, because we are not quite at the 'Tri' part yet. We're working on it. We can't do the bikes yet and we certainly won't be able to run, either.

In regards to swimming, Jenny also asked her roommate to help us and he agreed. We are enlisting everyone we can. We are not giving up. We are being positive and proactive. And this is a little roadblock on day 2 that means nothing. We will fix this. So there, Swim Coach Soldier. What's up about it?

Bathing suits - $80
Goggles - $10
Swim cap - $20
Being kicked out of swim club on your first practice - PRICELESS

In short:
Who gets kicked out of practice?
Terri & Jenny.
Because we don't know how to breathe.

Kirsten said it's good for us to get kicked out - now we know how it feels when a student gets booted out. I love the honesty in our group. You know you are all mature adults when your friend group can tell you that you are fat and lazy and that it's good that you have to take your own medicine. At least we don't have to bust out the Irish and say, "Why don't you say it to my face, then?" because everyone is saying everything to everyone else's face all the time. This is the best thing we can do for each other. Good for us.

We all went to A&W for Teen Burgers afterwards. It was a long day & we needed to regroup.

Now our arses hurt from yesterday and our arms are tired from today.

Kirsten became a Try-Athlete tonight. Lisa, JoAnn and Mat are joining tomorrow. Brent's Triathlon Club has gained 6 members this week. Yay! Fees are due on payday, folks! Talk to Brent about that.

So, while we were insulted initially, we are fine now. We have work to do. We are not perfect and we know that. We are out of shape and lazy and we have not been swimming in years. No sugar-coating for us. We will do what it takes to get the job done. We want to be healthy (and HOT) so this is what it takes. We may have to swim in the old folks lane, but so be it. We're in the pool, and we're working on it.

We're going to go skating, too. All three of us think that might be a good idea. We can learn together. May as well. Hopefully we don't get kicked off the ice. My God, we can't be that much trouble!

So, Jesus, Mary & Joseph, give us the strength we need to keep going because our arses are going to need it, especially tomorrow night. And send us some courage, too, 'cause sometimes the going gets tough. (And yes, that was a prayer - it doesn't matter where you are - God hears you no matter what!)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"Try-Athletes"... day 2: first day of swimming

Today is our first swimming day. We haven't been swimming yet, but it's already been eventful. First, we have recruited 3 new members for the club. We have convinced Kirsten, Lisa and JoAnn to join us in being 'Try-Athletes'. Everyone has their own reasons, but whatever, NOW it's a party :)

Jenny had a cheeseburger for lunch.

I had spicy tuna and bread and a chocolate bar.

I have also decided that I am not giving up chicken wings and nachos. If I am doing all of this, I am still eating good stuff. I am also still eating my dessert first. If I die during a meal, I don't want to get to Heaven and find out my dessert is still on the table. That will pi$$ me off.

Jenny, Kirsten and I went shopping for bathing suits after school. This was an adventure unto itself. Talk about vagina-busters. You can't get a bathing suit that is too-small because it cuts off circulation both to your legs and to your vaginal area. Seriously, WTF?

We tried these suits on as quickly as possible. I intend to fly from the dressing room to the pool anyway, not strut out like a peacock and then do a Marilyn Monroe pose before I slide gracefully into the water. It'll be more like a blinding flash of white streaking straight to the water.

Jenny decided that it was time to do 'So You Think You Can Dance'. In bathing suits, in the dressing room area. You could hear us laughing right out into the store, and the lady came back to tell us so. After lots of time trying everything on, she decided nothing there was right. Off to the next place. There, Kirsten found a suit and Jenny found what she needed, too. We all found other swimming paraphernalia, and got geared up. By this time, we figured we better get our arses home so we could get ready to come downtown to go swimming.

* I'm editing the first note to read that the ladies at school who are our inspiration are not only healthier than us but are HOTTER. They wanted me to ensure that Jenny's words were recorded correctly. Please accept my apologies LOL.

We figure that there are enough of us (5 now) that we are accountable to each other. Regardless, we have the 4 week challenge at first. After that, we will move onto another challenge.

Swimming update to follow in a couple of hours, if I can lift my arms to type.

Monday, January 24, 2011

"Try-Athletes": our first 4 week challenge to ourselves


This past Friday, at Paddy's pub, Jenny gleefully announced, "We need to do something now because we are fat and we are going to die!" This was said in her usual dramatic intonations. While I was not surprised by the first part of the sentence, I was a bit alarmed about the second part of the sentence because I was unsure about how quickly this prediction was going to happen.

It was also said AFTER she had asked Brent to tell her ALL about his Triathlon Club. She then also announced that WE were joining the club. And by we, I mean we - she and I.

"I'm not doing a triathlon! Are you crazy?" I said to her while raising my left eyebrow.

"We don't have to do a triathlon, dummy. We're just going to work out." she replied. "We can do that, right, Brent?"

Brent looked amused.

"We're doing it." Jenny said forcefully. "We don't want to be fifty and all diabetic because all we do is eat cheeseburgers and donuts and chicken wings and hang out. So Brent, what do we have to do first?" Brent then explained everything. I tuned it all out because I had no intention of becoming a triathlete. I was repeatedly told I was doing it, though. Sacred Heart.

Brent then told us that we probably shouldn't wear bikinis to the pool for the swimming part. Jenny and I looked at each other and then looked at him as if he were insane. We laughed. Jenny said she would wear a full bathing suit and I said it was a good chance I would probably wear a diving suit and full SCUBA gear. I don't think he understands our fat seriousness.


Jenny and I went for Tim's, where we again discussed the triathlon business. She kept saying things to the effect of, "We are going to get old and die because we are fat and eat too many chicken wings and donuts". I don't think we eat too many of either of those things but there is no use to argue with her. I have eaten one donut this week and I had 3 or 4 chicken wings - not baskets of wings, just single ones. So she is crazy. But I did have 2 cheeseburgers and I had 2 plates of nachos. OVER THE WHOLE WEEK. She is out of control. I ate 4 eggs this week too, just for the record. Hang on, this is for last week, since it is only Monday right at this moment. I was also going to have some bread but she told me that causes herpes so I figured that was a no-go. haha

Anyway, while I kind of was almost convinced on Saturday, I wasn't looking forward to it anyway. We figure we will be as red as beets and need not only shoes and towels but probably portable defibrillators and a doctor on call.


Jenny wrote me a facebook message telling me to enjoy my last day of rest before we start exercising. It sounded so ominous. At that point, I was still thinking of ways to get out of it.

Monday @ work

Jenny tells everyone that we are becoming triathletes. She figures that by telling everyone, we will look ridiculous if we give up. She is right. Arsehole face.

All day, we tell each other that it's time to get off the donuts and cheeseburgers. We eat poutine and chicken wings for lunch. Nice. We also try to convince Mat and Lisa to join us. They refused, but we're not finished with them yet.

We have inspiration at work: JoAnn, Michele & Lynda (and Brent)... Jenny makes a good point: we want to be hot like them - we are younger than them and they are healthier.

We got our grading done. We figured we might not be able to walk tomorrow, so get as much done as possible today. We also figured we needed to nap before the big situation this evening. We made a plan to leave at 6.

Monday @ Triathlon: Showtime.

First: Those bikes are cute. We looked cute.

Second: Those bikes hurt after 1 minute. Jenny calls them vagina-busters. I can't even write that without laughing.

Still laughing.

The instructor is awesome. You can bike for a long time after you think you are going to pass out. After awhile the room feels like you are on acid. Jenny and I laughed a lot so people probably thought we were on acid. When we finally had a chance to walk around the track, it was hard to walk. Then we had to get on the bikes again and we thought we would die from the bicycle seat violation. But surprisingly, you kind of get used to that plane of consciousness where you are not really a part of what's happening around you. You also get used to barfing in your own mouth. Whatever about it. The second time around was easier.

Tomorrow we go swimming. We need to go buy our diving suits.

Inspiration at Triathlon: Nancy - Holy Shyte she looks good! She's been at it since Nov and we made sure we sat behind her so we wouldn't give up when we got tired. We also checked out her legs and said, "We'll look like that soon!" Yeah, we're creepers (and we're only kinda sorry 'bout it).

So we are giving ourselves a 4 week challenge. Every day, we are going to assess how we feel, both physically and mentally. Will becoming "Try-athletes" actually makes us feel better all-around?

I also told her that if she is making me do this, that we are doing a triathlon or some sort of -athon, be it a marathon or whatever - I don't care. We're not doing all of this just to hang out and not eat cheeseburgers or chicken wings.

Someday we might add photos.

Feel free to comment, or if you have suggestions, we'd love to hear them. Don't be an arsehole, though. And if you'd like to join, talk to Brent.