"Try-Athletes": workout #6: Blood & Burgers

It's the day after workout #6. I was too zonked to write yesterday. Sorry 'bout it.

Well, not really, but I thought you might want to read that.

I woke up at 6:10 this morning and immediately thought, "WTF? Go back to sleep, you whacko! Who the hell gets up at 6:10 if they don't need to?"

I tried to sleep but it didn't happen. And here's why:

I'm exercising. And that gives you energy, apparently. It also gives you a sore a$$.

So I got out of bed at 7, stumbling, like an old woman who gave birth to 24 kids and carried them all simultaneously for 18 years, and tried to straighten myself into an upright position. "Shower?" I thought, "Nope, I don't think I can trust myself to stand in anything slippery." And so off I go to work, looking like a streel.

I realize, at work, that I haven't written the blog...

24 hours earlier

I woke up. HEADACHE. Not a big surprise. I got ready for work, and as usual, listened to Rock 97.9 as I got ready. I got on the road early, which was/is uncharacteristic of me. And due to this, I missed the STUPID TRAFFIC REPORT and ended up stuck in traffic on the boulevard. Nice.

I was a half hour late for work. Needless to say, my temper was through the roof. Jenny got my class started on the test, and things turned out ok. My EA is fantastic, and all was well.

I ended up going home early, though, because of the migraine. On the way home, I was so pi$$y, I bought a MacDonalds burger and ate it, kind of like a savage wolverine. If any of you know my previous writing, you might remember the savage wolverine.

I got some meds, and went to sleep for about 6 hours.

If you don't know anything about migraines, here's a little tidbit: your body doesn't digest food when your brain hurts. Or at least, mine doesn't; she shuts down. Down, down, down into a burning ring of fire, as Johnny Cash might say.

I woke up in a panic at about 3:30 because I thought I missed swimming. Sweet God. I jumped up off the couch and froze about halfway into the jump, muscles as tense as a hooker in church from the "Good Bikes" from the night before. Ever try to suspend yourself halfway off a couch? I am not The Matrix. I should have just kept going. My dog had a bit of a panic for me, running back and forth across the back of the couch.

It turned out ok, I managed to get up. I was in a bit of a sweat, trying to remember where I was, and if I was indeed supposed to be swimming at that moment in time. However, it was a bit early for Try-Club. So I was standing in my living room, looking around wild-eyed, while my dog was running back and forth on the couch. We both settled down once I was able to get it through my rattling brain that I could rest easy for a little while longer.

At 5:30, I convinced myself to get up. I had to leave at 6:15. My eyes kept popping out my contacts. Lovin' it.

Jenny sends me the sauciest text message of life: R u coming? I can just hear the tone... So I send this back, lol ya late leaving Mt house cuz of my srupid eyes nearly to 4 eay... Jenny texts back, OK bout it

I thought she knew what I meant. She didn't. When she got in my truck, she asked what I meant so I translated, lol ya, late leaving my house cuz of my stupid eyes, nearly to 4 way. It made sense to me. It's hard to text perfectly when you are driving. YEAH, I KNOW. I was in a rush. That's why my text looked like that. Haha, sillies. I was not texting & driving. That was when I was in my driveway - I was trying to get out fast. My driveway is a mountain.

We got to the pool. Safely, I might add.

And I almost drowned three times. Alanna has become a swim coach soldier but she needs to be because I am lazy.

Jenny and I swam one lap. PS Jenny is faster than me. But when we were both in the same place, we looked back and LISA WAS GONE. P A N I C - A L E R T. Andrew is now a single parent.

Jenny saved the day because she saw Lisa swimming in the special special lane, toward Alanna by the side of the pool. However, I had complete tunnel vision, staring straight down our special lane. I was wondering why all the lifeguards had not converged on our lane yet. I was wondering how long you had to be drowning before someone did something.

GAWD.

Don't ever go swimming with me. I am a stress case. If you ever meet Jenny, get her to do my "JENNY!" face. It's the one where I don't breathe. I wish I could draw pictures on here.

"JENNY!" <- That's me not breathing and trying to talk to Jenny at the same time. It's like a panic face, eyebrows up and teeth showing at the same time, no breath at all. AHAHAHAHHAA

Alanna tries to help me fix my goggles. They steam up constantly. I must have the hottest eyeballs in the world.

Anyway, we have this plan where Alanna sticks her leg out and I basically sit on it so I can rinse the goggles and get them back on. This time, she was too far away and basically her toe went up my arse. There are some things I never thought I would share with my kids, and this was one of them. There is no privacy at the pool. Violations abound, for everyone. I'm sure she never thought that would happen, either.

Jenny tells me that as soon as I am at the pool, I am The Lizard. My swim cap goes on, my goggles go on, and that is it. The Lizard is here. It's like I am not me anymore. I can't take off my goggles; I have contacts and if they pop out, I won't be able to see anything. It's bad enough that the goggles fog up. They can't suction on any tighter because I'll get black eyes. Sacred Heart, there is an awful lot to this swimming situation.

A couple of swim lanes later... I'm at one end of the pool and Jenny and Lisa are at the other. Alanna wants to strangle me. I'm trying not to drown myself.

But I'm improving.

And then I look to my right where some girl had busted her feet off.

And there is blood everywhere.

Gross.

This is just great. I can't stop looking. It's like a train wreck. I have seen train wrecks, they are awesome in the true definition of the word 'awe'... awesome, awful... look it up - I don't mean I love them... just that they are overwhelming.

She is crying, she is just a teenager or something... I can't tell because of the foggy goggles (foggles) so I have to take them off. Meanwhile, it's a good thing I'm not afraid of blood as we are currently swimming in snot and blood. Weeeoooo!

I have to shake it off. Swim it off. So I ask Alanna for pointers... how to move your hands, how to do the breathing... I am identifying my main problems now... I can't do the breathing on the left - that's when I do most of my drowning.

You may think I am kidding when I say I am drowning, but I am not. I come up for air and instead of breathing in air, I take in a whole lotta water. PROBLEM!

So I'm going to breathe on the right.

Now I gotta fix the counting. I really am special. One thing at a time.

Plus I get tired. WHAT is WRONG with me??

Alanna says to do a sideways glide (or something) when I get tired or start to drown... I try, and immediately drown myself further. Oh, Lord.

Anyway, I get more pointers from Jenny, and more from Alanna... and I start to do well. I wish I could swim every day. I would get better and better.

But I did really well for awhile, until I promised myself that I was going to swim the while 25m, and then I kept drowning about halfway each time. S-M-R-T!

Before long, I drown about 1/3 or 1/2 way during every lap. At one point, I take in so much water, that a huge rumbly sound come from somewhere in my lungs that affects every part of my body... even my stomach... and remember earlier when I told you about how my stomach didn't digest anything? (If you don't know anything about migraines, here's a little tidbit: your body doesn't digest food when your brain hurts. Or at least, mine doesn't; she shuts down. Down, down, down into a burning ring of fire, as Johnny Cash might say.), well it had since started digesting, thankfully, because that burger tried to come up to hang out in the pool with us... thankfully it only made it about halfway... all I heard Alanna say was, "Oh, sh!t!"

But I made that burger settle down. No revisiting the scene of the crime.

Alanna is a good teacher. At one point, I was about 1/3 of the way into a lap and came up for air and she was right beside me, and I stopped. Probably drowning. Anyway, I asked a question, then was going to start again, and she made me go back to the wall. She said, "It's like missing a paragraph in Shakespeare. You have to start over." Umm, WTF? Alright, then. I actually laughed as she swam away.

I miss that 30-1 class SO much. There were some other 30-1 students at the pool, too. Father Time & Top Gun were there, but they were in the hot tub. I guess Top Gun had to accompany Father Time to the HT because of his arthritic hips. They tried to boss us around, too. We told them they need to get out of the HT and work the aches out of their old muscles.

On the other end of the pool, as I was swimming back, and I was 1/3 of the way away, Alanna then swam underwater to meet me, came up underneath and made me laugh. Nut.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we got out of the pool and the SCS was smiling like a loon... I couldn't see this of course, because of the foggles. Jenny told me I needed to 'pay attention' because apparently I have Super ADHD, although I was only trying to focus on walking upright... it's not like I haven't been working out on "Good {vag-busters} Bikes" and trying not to drown for the past two weeks or anything.

The SCS was holding out his fist to me while smiling all extra happy and initally I smiled back tentatively because I wasn't sure if my foggles were messing with my mind, so I ripped them off and then stood still to high five the SCS.

And realized belatedly that it was supposed to be a fist bump.

Oh well, I thought, I'm special, anyway.

The Lizard


PS... For those of you who actually think I hate this guy, I don't hate him. I don't even know him. I'm sure he is fantastic. Just sayin'.

PPS... this one's esp for Diane :)