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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"Try-Athletes": Fluid Motions

I'm back in action.

I still have da New Moan Ya (i.e., pneumonia), but I'm working on getting that pile of garbage out of my system. Can't be just laying around all the time.

When I got home at 6pm, I didn't have time to eat, I just threw in some contacts, threw on the bathing suit and the jogging clothes, wrestled the dog a couple of times, did a couple of 'two high-fives', and away I went. I picked up the crew, and off we went to MacIsland. Again, we followed the leader to the pool. I thought we were late so I was rushing as fast as I could. I didn't want to waste any more time! It's been ages since we worked out and I wanted to get us back on track, or in the lanes, so to speak.

So we got a locker in the change room and Jenny told me to put my stuff in first. Usually she takes her brown 'follow-the-leader' coat and hangs it up on the OUTSIDE peg in the locker, then struts on her merry way, and we have to struggle to get our stuff into the locker. But here was my chance! I got to put MY stuff in FIRST!

We all started to take off our jackets. I hung up mine and the girls were turning away to put theirs on the bench, I guess, while I was putting in my stuff. In the meantime, I whipped my shirt over my head, and on the down swing, in one fluid motion, I hauled my pants off, too. So there I was, standing only in my bathing suit. I didn't think there was an issue. I stuffed all my clothes in the bottom of the locker and turned around to face the girls. They were just turning back towards the locker.

"Where are your clothes?" Jenny asked, stupefied.

"What do you mean? They are in the locker." I replied.

Lisa started giggling uncontrollably.

"Did you wear them down here?" Jenny asked me.

"What? I just took them off." I said.

"What are you, a superhero? How fast did you take them off? We just turned around and you have no clothes on!" Jenny makes fun of me as they, too, get ready for the pool.

Lisa says, "I think she was wearing those rip-away clothes!"

"I'm just excited!" I say, as I almost pee in my bathing suit from laughing so much. I try to explain the fluid-motion situation, but no one is listening, or they cannot understand me through my giggles. I was on Mach 3 to get the clothes off.

Lisa has disappeared by this point, so maybe she is already peeing somewhere. I go pee, too. Can't go pee in the pool / watery bowl of snot & blood. That's unsanitary.

So we get ourselves out to the deck. We go to get flutterboards (that sounds so happy... 'flutter') and immediately get told off by the Angry Swim Team of Canada... "THOSE ARE SWIM CLUB FLUTTERBOARDS!"

Well, excuse us, because they were not AST of C flutterboards the last few times we were here... must have been a recent thing... but never mind 'bout it, you take your little coloured piece of fluttery foam, that no one is currently using, back :) Have a good night!

So we went and got Freedom Flutterboards, and they worked pretty well. Must have been all the freedom and niceness associated with them.

So we dropped our towels and went to the special lane and I was the first one to hop in. No waiting around. I stripped like a superhero for this moment. The water was like sparkly diamonds, just waiting for people to indulge themselves in the shiny beauty. And now that I breathe through my nose underwater, it doesn't hurt when I hop into the diamond mine!

So splashety-splash-splash I went, feet first, into the water... and it was wonderful, just as I knew it would be.

I swam out a little bit, and I wasn't drowning. I am Michael Phelps! My chest wasn't caving in, and I was ok! Weeeoooo!

Lisa jumped in, and she said she found the water a little cool. Jenny stuck her toe in, and she said she felt like it was rather cool, too. "No way," I said, "it is perfect! Maybe I have a fever, but this water is perfect! Get in!"

And we all went swimming.

Alanna, meanwhile, was looking for us all over the pool. We thought she got stuck in traffic or something, and she was looking in the changeroom, etc. She looked in the special lane, she said, but we were all swimming, so she didn't think it was us... oh yeah, oh yeah hehehehe

I was able to do some laps tonite. Yeah, laps... well, one at a time, but I wasn't stopping a third or half way through to drown. Just call me Phelps-a-roni.

Lisa is doing Fan-tiddly-astic. No more Champ Belt for her.

There was a dude next to us doing some weird ab-stretch thing where he holds on to the silver bar under the dive-board business and then lifts his legs out of the water... Jenny and I tried to do it... well I'm so buoyant that my arse flies out of the water on its own. I can't really control it. My legs fly up so fast that I almost go up over the little dive platform, across the deck and into the other pool. It's not really an ab workout; it's more like a neck buster.

Jenny says I'm like one of those buoys for a ship. Thanks, buddy.

The frat boys came back tonite but didn't stay very long. There was no strip show... I kept my hands to myself.

Jenny, however, did not. She was swimming along the lane divider, and there was a hot man swimming along the other side of said lane divider. What does Jenny do? Jenny languidly does a swim stroke that allows her hand to start at one end of him and move straight down his whole body.

Can you imagine that? Swim, swim, swim... (accidental?) MOLESTATION by the girl in the next lane.

I mean, if you were swimming with me, you would know to expect it because I would give you fair warning. I would have a special sign written on my arms or something. You would know.

But not Jenny... she just sneaks up on you from the side and BAM! Violation.

And how the hell close to the lane divider do you have to be swimming to be able to slide your hand up the full length of someone's body, anyway? That was a planned attack, it had to be.

Meanwhile, this same poor guy was swimming next to the same lane divider while I was swimming by at one point, and I am now taking my time swimming, kind of like taking a walk in the park, opening my eyes underwater, counting the lines on the floor, being aware of people underwater who might be making conversation or doing their taxes or some other retarded thing that might throw me off my breathing and kicking, and so I had my eyes open as I breathed out and looked to my left, which was his direction.

Well, at the same time, he looked to his right, which was my direction. Awkward. Then we both kind of smiled/grimaced, but we were underwater, which made it even more awkward, kind of like, 'Hey, how's it going, glad to see you're not drowning. It's kind of peaceful under here, isn't it?' And then looked away, because how weird is it to catch someone's eye underwater... why would you be staring them down during swimming - were you trying to start a fight underwater? Are you a major creeper? Or is it just an accident?

In my case, I was wondering what real swimmers do - do they look around while swimming, or are they so focused on where they are going that they just see the finish line? Well, I don't know if this guy is a real swimmer but he looks around underwater. And lets Jenny molest him.

Alanna timed us all tonite doing the 25m... we all did well. Jenny is at 38 sec, Lisa is at 44 and I'm at 45. We're awesome. I learned how to do the backstroke and the sideways business so you don't drown (I don't remember the name of it) tonite... now I just have to practice them... just have to keep the motions fluid.

On the way out of MacIsland, we picked up our boy, Mat. He is working out while we swim. Jenny got water in her ear so she was yelling at us the whole time.

I decided I was having a Mac Attack. Lisa and Mat were having none of it, and Jenny said she wasn't needing a hamburger but if the Hamburglar was having one, then fine, so would she.

And that is why Mr Ronald MacDonald was paid a visit tonite from two young ladies who just love him. 'What's up, you curly-red-haired hamburger-cookin' clown? Got any fries with that shake?'

We ate in the church parking lot where it seemed like an AA meeting was going down. We should attend some meetings for cheeseburgers and donuts addicts, but as I said before, I don't see us as having a problem. In fact, I think I eat more frigging burgers now than I ever did before we started working out. And you know why? Because now I don't have time to eat at home. I am now on the go too much. I either eat apples or yogurt or burgers.

Back to the busters tomorrow. Gotta build up the old vag-callouses.

I gotta teach those girls how to do stuff at Mach 3 so there is no more time-wasting in the locker room. It's all about the fluid motions... rip-away clothes... who has time to do up all those buttons?

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