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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"Try-Athletes?": I Dunno 'Bout It.

Take it easy for tonight and get better crazy lady... you're disgustingly sick and you've been like this for awhile! Haha

That's the message I received this evening from my Swim Instructor.

Both Jenny and Lisa have physical symptoms that look much worse than mine. I have a huge fist-like feeling in my chest, but they are both noticeably ill.

I can't express enough how much I hate being sick, and how frustrated I am with this illness and this weather. I hate winter. There has not been a time in my life where I have said, "Gee, I miss winter." Even for those of you who love ice and snow (all you skaters & snowboarders out there), I bet there has been a time in your life where you have missed summertime. Be honest now, you know it's true.

Planning your social life around the weather is exhausting, and that's before you even get to do your activities. I don't even want to bring the garbage out because it is too cold. I would rather sit in my house and do one full trip with everything in my arms all at once rather than bring things out of my house one at a time, or worse yet, just make a trip for one thing. Screw that. Why freeze unnecessarily, when I can just drag myself and all my things out at one time?

My poor dog rarely sees true daylight anymore. When he gets to go outside, he gets to stand on the ground for less than 30 seconds before he starts to freeze. When we walk outside, he coughs from the air hitting his tiny lungs. I have to dress him like a tiny baby. He owns more than one jacket, for God's sake - he owns a lightweight jacket and a heavy jacket, plus numerous sweaters. Seriously. And he has fur. Welcome to the Arctic Frostbite Situation of the World, Pupper Dog. I bet he thinks to himself, 'Why did you have to be the one to adopt me? I was living 5 hours south of here and my real mama never made me freeze like this!'

When my clock rings in the morning, I don't wake up and think, 'Yay! It's a beautiful sunshiney kind of morning!!', rather I think, 'Sweet Lord in Heaven, I have to get up and go outside.' And that, my friends, is because it is so cold. I live 3 minutes away from work. Often, it takes me 20 minutes or more to get there because people forget how to drive when it snows. They think that speeding (as in 40km/h +) is the best way to drive. In these frostbitten parts of the world, 40km/h in a vehicle is often speeding on these icy roads, when the roads turn to sheets of ice because it is so, so cold. During warmer months, not so many accidents happen because people can handle their vehicles better. People cause chaos all the time. I remember Autobody friends of mine used to love seeing the snow because that's when the work started up for them. Caution: accidents abound in the winter because people are stupid.

Do you know that people even go camping in the winter? I guess, if I wanted to freeze to the ground and wake up with a 105 degree temperature, and therefore brain damage, I could do such a thing. But no, I would prefer the fiery pits of Hell to winter camping. And if someone made me do it, well there would be no worries about the ground around me being frozen because my temper would melt all the snow and ice around my tent, anyway. It would be more like a river. I would have to bring a raft. A few years ago, I worked at the Lake and on the May long weekend, it snowed. People woke up to find themselves frozen inside their tents and some had to cut themselves out through the sides of their tents because the zippers wouldn't work. Now, that's what I like to call a good time.

Here I am, again, sitting in front of a heater, with my dog running around the house, and I am eating homemade chicken soup, drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie while I write. I'm not allowed to swim because people are afraid I might die. Will we ever get back on track? As Jenny would say, "I dunno 'bout it." I was more in danger of drowning two weeks ago than I am now. I even watched videos of people drowning just in case I got into that situation - I wanted to know what to watch for! But I can't practice not drowning if I'm not swimming. And I'm not swimming because I'm sick. And I'm sick because of the stupid weather. Thanks a lot, stupid white fluffy icy cold winter. I hate you.

And so here is an open letter to Old Man Winter...

Dear Winter,

Bugger off. And in case you don't know where I live, just bugger off from everywhere - do a full sweep of buggering off. Make no exceptions.

Thanks a lot Arsehole Jaws,


May as well watch Ghost, or Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, or something. I think someone should make a movie of Anne Rice's The Witching Hour. Buy the script, and do it. Go ahead, get on it.

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