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Thursday, February 24, 2011

"Try-Athletes": Swim, Fishies!

"Lovin' every minute of it, whoa-oh-whoa-oa-whoa!" (Loverboy)

The water was cool, but we loved it. When we got there, some dudes were already swimming in our lanes. Now, we have some lanes designated as the 'Special Lanes' and those lanes are reserved for those of us who need the most TLC during Swim time. This dude might have thought he was someone special, but he wasn't Special like us. We need extra help in the swim department, and he seemed to be swimming just fine. I mean, seriously, if you can swim at 100km/h and do backflips against the wall and continue swimming at the same speed in the opposite direction without stopping, you are probably someone special, but you are not someone Special, like us.

Anyway, Alanna basically forced us into the lane, even though he was there first and we didn't want to be rude by just hopping in. We also didn't want to get run over by this Speedy Gonzales swimmer. We had to time our hopping in just right. I jumped in when he was about halfway down the lane, swimming away from me, and by the time I came up for air, he was already on his way back. And seriously, I only hopped into the pool - I didn't go for a stroll on the bottom or anything.

Then Lisa did the same and we both went on our flutterboards aka Freedomboards in order to get our legs warmed up. Before this happened though, Alanna thought it very appropriate to throw said Freedomboard at my face at full speed while I wasn't paying attention, so there is a very good chance that I will have a rectangle-shaped bruise across my face tomorrow, which will look like I was ninja-chopped right under the eye. Thanks, buddy.

Good times.

But then she whacked her knee on the diving platform and then for some reason, dragged her finger across the gritty part, too. So while she abused me, she also abused herself. We have gone from minor violations to full-out assault.

But we are survivors.

Alanna introduced us to these little flotation devices that you put between your knees that you are supposed to use to strengthen your arms. You hold them between your knees but don't kick, just use your arms to swim. Well, if you are naturally buoyant, you go flying around in the air at the top of the water because it is difficult to control yourself when your arse is higher up than it was before. If you keep your face down in the water, you can even yourself out, but we all know what happens when you put your face in the water for too long. Capital D - Drown.

I also showed the girls what I researched on youtube - what actually happens when you drown or become a distressed swimmer - two different things, one that can lead into the other. I came across a news story about this and they have these videos where it shows how quickly it can happen, and what to watch out for. This is important to know. If you have kids, put them into swimming lessons, for God's sake. Don't be arsing around. It's good to learn a few things and be proactive.

Eventually, we got our bodies under control and began to swim. Again. It seems like every time I do something different, I swim faster, but as soon as I stop doing the different thing, I slow down again. But I'm doing alright. My bilateral breathing is improving. I can't do both at the same time yet, but I'm working on it.

Alanna keeps showing me the right arm movements and I keep trying to copy her when I am in the water. The little Between-The-Knee-Flotation-Device-Business helps you roll your body so that you don't twist your neck so much, but you really have to be careful that you don't roll so much that you go all the way over like when you flip over an egg - that happened to me a couple of times. Not necessarily on purpose, but it's just the way things happened to go.

We also got fins tonight. We didn't grow fins, and they weren't awards. We got them to start practicing with to strengthen our legs, or something like that. All I know is - this is the same stuff the real Triathletes were doing on the first night we went there.

Lisa got her fins first. She also lost one first. Those things sink and neither of us can dive, and Alanna wasn't swimming - she was instructing from the side because apparently I made her sick (as in physically ill not disgusted), and she blamed me for making three other people sick, too - so we had to do some fancy footwork underwater to get that fin and keep it from sinking. But we caught it and raised it up. However, later on, we did not manage to save the fin that Lisa ripped off her foot and threw down because she had a foot cramp. And when I say throw down, I mean she threw it down underwater. HA!

As much as I would like to dive down to the bottom and walk around, or rescue items like lost fins, the best I could do is stick my face in the water and flop around like a dead fish. I don't go anywhere when I try to dive. I imagine myself like a beautiful sleek dolphin but in reality, half my body is still above water because I'm too buoyant to go under and I don't know how to let enough air out of my body to sink. That takes practice. And no, watching it on youtube won't help. I already tried.

It's funny, though, because when I try to swim, half my body is underwater. Maybe if I try to "swim" but really be diving, I'll be able to get down to the bottom. "Hey guys, I'm gonna swim!" Dive dive dive... grab up the fin...

Oh Lord, those things are flippers, not fins. Fins would go on your sides. No, wait, that's gills. These went on our feet. Haha. *sigh* I am tired tonight.

Ok, I actually just looked it up. Some people call them fins, some call them flippers and apparently it has to do with size (that's what she said - sorry, couldn't resist that one). Whatever, they go on your feet, and you know what I am talking about. Mine were yellow and grey and possibly a little bit too big.

I had to take off my swim cap tonight because I apparently use too much conditioner and the stupid thing kept coming off my head. The inside of the cap was 'slimey', as Alanna put it. Great - it would not stay on. So I am in the pool, with really chlorinated water. I have really dark purple and really bright pink hair, by choice. I wasn't born that way. And in order to get that way, I had to bleach some of my hair and then dye it pink. Well, when I got home, I inspected my hair. Some of the ends are already a bit white. Nice. Nice.

Yeah, nice. I always wanted white hair. PS. I have a Ph.D. in Sarcasm. I earned it from the University of Arseholes in Everyplaceieverlived.

At one point, Lisa and I were swimming in opposite directions and we crashed midstream and got tangled up. It was a bit of a moment, trying to figure who owned which arms and legs, but we got everything straightened away and after the initial bit of drowning and giggling, we were ok.


We missed you.

Our trio is broken, like a tricycle with a missing wheel.

It's hard to pedal with one wheel gone.

Get better ASAP so you can come back.

We are like a trinity, but not.

We are more of a trini-.


"And tell me now

How do [we] live without you

[We] want to know

How do I breathe without you

If you ever go

How do [we] ever ever survive?

How do [we]

How do [we]

O how do [we] live?..."

(Trisha Yearwood)

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