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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Pee Trail

20 years ago, I was a teenager. Wow, it really doesn't seem like TWENTY years.

I think back to some of the things we did and I wonder if kids today have half so much fun as my friends and I did. I hope they do.

One intense piece of business was when someone would pretend to be a wild animal and then start to play a good game of chase-the-human. This 'game' was accidentally discovered.

Y'see, it all happened one night when I was babysitting at my neighbour's house. I lived in 'Da Woods' and across the road from my house was a lounge/bar and a wedding was happening that night at the lounge. Everybody was going.

My neighbours went to the wedding; my friend and I went to their house to babysit.

Some of my friends were old enough to go to the wedding. I was about 15-16 years old, and my friends ranged in age, of course.

Late in the night, one of my guy friends decided to leave the party and come visit me and my friend while we babysat. However, we didn't know he was coming over.

The kids were asleep.

There was a half-knocking, half-scratching noise at the outside door and then the door swung open! I saw this as I was sneaking out through the dining room and kitchen to peek out the inside door of the porch.

Meanwhile, my friend was sneaking out behind me, thisclosetome. But I didn't know that.

My guy friend in the porch thought it would be hilarious to scare the living daylights out of us two girls, so he was sneaking in through the porch, making creepy noises.

Picture it: two girls sneaking out through a dark kitchen to peer out the porch door and a 6' guy sneaking in through the dark porch to scare us girls.

Ah, memories.

When we peeked over the ledge of the glass of the inside door, my guy friend raised his arms up and loudly yelled, like a bear. Seriously, arms up and, "RAWR!"

And the scream froze in my throat.

My brain shut off.

My stomach stopped gurgling, or doing whatever it is that stomachs do.

My legs froze.

I wasn't breathing.

No blinking. Eyes wide open.

And he was looking at me expectantly, then he laughed.

That broke the moment.

And I turned to run.

In my brain, I was thinking, "!!!!!!!!!!!!BEAR!!!!!!!!!!"

So I ran.

While peeing.

In my nice black shorts that I really loved.

My friend who had sneaked out behind me through the kitchen was directly behind me and she, too, was laughing and tried to stop me from running. She put her hands out and was saying my name and telling me, "it was only him, it was only him!"

But my brain was having none of it.

With a wild-eyed stare, I grabbed HER arms and pushed her in a backward run straight across the kitchen, through the dining room and gave her a fling into the carpeted living room. She fell backwards and I believe she ended up with carpet burn all along her forearms.

Meanwhile, I had turned left and was heading down the hallway to hide from the bear.

So, a quick left then a quick right brought me to the hallway of bedrooms.

I was still peeing, and leaving a trail of pee.

I knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that it wasn't a bear, that it was my friend. That part of my brain was struggling to control conscious thought.

Wild-eyed, I looked right to left, and turned right to go to the bathroom. There were two reasons for this:
1. I should finish peeing in the bathroom
2. the pee was no doubt attracting the bear and I should lead it away from the kids, and they were to the left

I was a good babysitter, even during my utmost level of fear.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, I could my guy friend yelling my name and dying with laughter. I heard him hit the floor, crying laughing.

But I kept running.

No bear was getting me. No sir.

I got to the bathroom, STILL PEEING. I just couldn't control it.

The tub was right by the door, and the toilet was kind of hidden behind the tub. I raced to the end of the tub and sat on the toilet, with my beautiful black shorts still on.

Then I saw the bear coming, and he WAS CRAWLING DOWN THE HALLWAY!!!!


So I pulled my legs back as far as they could go and hid as best as I could behind the tub, while still on the toilet, peeing. There was absolutely no semblance of control.

My friend was almost sick, still laughing.

Every now and then, I would peek out to see if the bear was still there.

It was.

He finally got to the bathroom door and after saying my name a few times, I kind of snapped out of it. I was beyond afraid. Beyond!

My carpet-burned friend wasn't pleased with me.

My guy friend sent me home to clean up and he cleaned up all the pee that by this point, had trailed all over the house.

On the way back to the Bear House, I was still almost sick and irrational with fear. When I got there, he was still laughing and apologizing profusely. He said he didn't think he would get that kind of reaction but no doubt that was the best reaction, ever.

Meanwhile, don't ever run from a real bear. Probably, it's not a good idea to pee, either. And if you do, the only way it's going to help you clean up is by being the garbage disposal.

just doing whatever they want


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